i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
