Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
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I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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