I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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