I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Less talking, more tequila
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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