my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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