I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
