new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
