he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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