It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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