Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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