I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
