I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
