I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
