Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
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He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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