You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
