you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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