I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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