hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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