I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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