By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
