booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
