I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
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i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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