I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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