Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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