mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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