rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
