ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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