I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
