He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
