I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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