if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
