was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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