yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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