just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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