If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
