i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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