So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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