Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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