me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
