In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize