Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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