Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
