forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
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He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
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The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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