I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
