my phone needs a breathalizer
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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