btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I smell like Dick and happiness
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
