wanna go halves on a baby?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
