Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
