totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
