In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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