So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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