Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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