Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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