I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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