the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
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Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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