I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
