wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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