I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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