Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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